Trapped in a 7-11

So I'm out taking my walk at Liberty Park this morning and decide that I'd love an iced coffee. I can either pay $4.00 at Beans & Brew's or $1.27 at 7-11. Being on a budget, I opt for the later. As I enter, I find Mr. T paying for his gas. Seriously, this guy's tattooed biceps are bigger than my thigh which being 2 months postpartum is reeeeaaaalllly big. I proceed in to the coffee counter pushing Azur in his little stroller and feeling really misplaced as I glance around. Various seedy characters come and go around me and believe me, I'm not one to pass judgement. I've befriended those from ever walk of life being the vagabonding artist that I have been. So, I go up to pay standing in line behind a couple of guys whose pants are about to slide right off those boxers their exposing. They pay for 3 monstrous beers with a $100.00 bill that the clerk spends 15 minutes (okay, maybe 15 is an exaggeration) trying to see the watermarks, finally the other clerk points them out to her. So I whip out my debit card for my $1.27 coffee (sorry, didn't have cash) and am ready to bolt out the door as fast as my huge postpartum thighs will carry me when the Eastern Indian clerk behind the counter says in a low, gruff voice, "Lemmme see your baby". Well, I like to show off my perfect kid and happily open the cover of the stroller and at the same time just really want to get out of there and back to the open safety of the park. "How you get baby?" she asks. In my mind I'm thinking, "Well, there's this thing called sex and..." but before I answer, she continues to tell me that she has an 8 year old daughter and wants a son, she got pregnant last year but had an accident and miscarried and she wants to get pregnant again, and "how old you are?" Her eyes get big when I tell her and she says "well I should be able to get baby too." I'm thinking she's at least 50 but come to find out that she's 30! She keeps asking questions and talking which was all very nice except for the continuous stream of more seedy characters that I just know will eventually pull out a gun that I and my perfect 2 month old baby will become casualties of. All the while, she's cleaning out her ears with a bobby pin. Sticking it in, twisting it around, and pulling it out to flick the contents on the floor, then sticking it in the other ear. Finally, I write down the words "Ovulation Predictor Kit" on a piece of paper for her and tell her to get one at a drug store and read the directions. She gives blessings to me and my "baby boy" and asks me to pray that she gets one. I wish her luck, and sincerely mean it, as I finally bolt out the door that the next grimy guy holds open for me. This one I'm sure must be a pedophile. I can't get across the street fast enough. Once safe in the park, I realize that I just experienced a very, strange 15 minutes of  life...could be a great movie scene.

 Oh and then, just as I'm about back to my car, a news film crew stops me to ask if they can ask a few questions. I politely decline as Azur has his 2 month doctor appointment today (happy birthday Azur!). I'm glad I had an excuse because with my sleep deprived mommy brain, I just know that I would have been one of those folks you see on Jay Leno who is asked something really simple like "What's the capital of Utah?" and they say, "ummmmmm...Los Angeles?" when they are being interviewed in Salt Lake City. I just couldn't bear to humiliate myself in that way. 

Taking a Leap

A few weeks ago we went to good ol' Burley Idaho for John's cousins reunion. While there, we visited a huge slippery slide

 made of a long piece of rubber on a hill with water spraying on it. Everyone would get a tube and slide down it. I spent most of our time there 

watching, filming, and taking pictures because I had recently knocked a knife off the counter into my toenail and was told by the podiatrist not to soak it in order to avoid infections (this was much better than what they had told me when I called which was that I would most likely have to have the whole toenail removed..Aghh!). Anyway, what was really interesting was to watch Aria. She so desperately wanted to do it by herself and was so scared. She'd get to the top with her little tube, sit down to go, then start crying as she got back up again and ran away. She did this over and over and cried harder and harder with each attempt. It was a cry of being afraid and a cry of being upset that she wanted to do it so much and just couldn't get herself to take that leap. She knew she'd be okay, she'd gone with Daddy multiple times, she watched everyone else do it, and yet she just couldn't let herself go, and she was so mad/sad at herself for it. After going with cousin Adria one more time she got up the nerve to do it alone but only if someone would catch her. Big mistake. Poor cousin Riley and Aria smacked into each other with a pretty good force. Everyone survived but Aria was now mad that he tried to stop her, mad enough that she went right back up to go down on her own, which was the beginning of many, many trips down that slide. How wonderful it was to watch her overcome her fear and take that leap. And, how much it reminded myself of me, her very cautious mama who was happy to have an excuse to sit on the side until finally, inspired by her daughter went down as well holding her toe in the air away from the water. Forget about getting me on the zipline though.

... maybe next year.

Expanding Love

  Here's a sneak preview of my upcoming August story. Obviously, it was mostly written 4 weeks ago as Azur will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. Seven weeks already. Seven weeks without a full night sleep (well actually it's been months since I've had a full night since being pregnant the last trimester means no sleeping). Seven weeks of newborn bliss, watching little legs turn into chubby pinch-able marshmellows. As Kelli says, "Seven weeks of my life that I'll never get back again" although in this case, unlike the case of a really bad movie,  I really wish I could just to revisit that sacred newness any time I wanted. I guess it's more sentimental knowing that it's the last time I'll go down this road....

 Anyway, here's the next story and to read past "Babying the Buddha"s, go to the catalyst  link below and search articles by moi:

catalystmagazine.net

In the past three weeks my world has changed dramatically. On May 29th a new love came into my life. Although I had a hard time imagining ever loving another child as much as I love my daughter, it happened. This new little black haired, eight-pound boy increased the capacity of my heart.
I’ve returned to a distant yet familiar place of interrupted sleep; if not by a hungry baby, by a paranoid need to make sure he’s still breathing. This is a place where days and nights blend together and become about breastfeeding every 2-3 hours. During these times I’m forced to be still. Not such a bad thing to be forced to do. In these moments I get lost in the beauty of my new baby, staring at the tiny nails on his fingers and toes, and the perfection of his little features. I sit healing from being torn open (literally and figuratively) empowered by my part in the miracle of life.
A new aspect of being a mother to a newborn is to also be a mother of a four year old at the same time. There have been times where I feel as if I exist simply to fulfill the needs of others. And yet, I recognize how short and magical this exhausting time is and how important it is for each of my children to feel loved and cared for. So between feeding, comforting, and changing diapers, I try to make a conscious point of bonding with Aria. Sometimes it’s simply watching her dance and listening to her latest song or story. I miss my “dates” with her, just the two of us on our own. As time goes on, we’ll be able to schedule that time together again.
Also new to me was the beauty and love between a big sister and her newborn baby brother. To listen to her tell him all the things that she will teach him to do; talk, walk, drink from a cup, and her plans of the adventures they will take together, brings not only a smile to my face but tears to my eyes.
There’s a simple peacefulness about this time, a going inward in bliss and joy while walking through a dazed fogginess. There is a certain disconnectedness as the aspects of my former life have no congruency or completion. Every time they are started, they are interrupted and laundry sits in the dryer for days and the mail remains half opened in a pile.
As I give every ounce of energy, I still gain. I learn to surrender to what’s before me and not to expect so much from myself. I’ve been presented with an opportunity to practice patience and compassion with my family and myself on a myriad of different levels. These two beautiful children teach me (and test me) daily. I’m in constant appreciation for the truly miraculous opportunity my husband and I have been given by having them come into our lives. Most of all, I’ve been reminded that love begets love, the more you love, the more you have to give.

Too tired to type

It's 12:17 am on what is now a Monday morning. Azur's sleeping next to me and I know the old "sleep when your baby sleeps" would really apply to the midnight hour. Yet, I'm sitting here trying to put together my very own blog...something John has been encouraging/nagging me to to for months. So here it is, well the start of it because at this moment, I'm really too tired to type.. but, it's a start.